Nine signs that your relationship is in trouble

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at the beginning of your relationship, you may have overlooked the other person's shortcomings, and vice versa. Now, months or years later, it's getting harder and harder to do that. Perhaps the debate gets more frequent, or escalates, or a partner shuts down in the event of a conflict. According to Kirk Honda, a psychology podcast host and professor of counseling and family therapy in Seattle, this is normal in any relationship. " There will be ups and downs in a long-term relationship. But if you have more setbacks in your life than ups and downs, you may wonder if you are going to break up. Look at the slides below to see if you recognize the signs and how you can get back to the right track.

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1. Long term criticism

do you often criticize your partner's way of dressing, driving, eating, speaking or even breathing? This is a strong signal that your relationship is in a downward spiral. Dr. John Gottman, a marriage and relationship therapist and researcher, calls criticism the first of the four knights - a form of communication that suggests a relationship can fail. Criticism is much more harmful than simply complaining, Gottman explains, because when you criticize your partner, you are attacking his character. According to Kirk Honda, a professor of counseling and family therapy at the University of Antioch and host of the Seattle psychology podcast, "one criticism doesn't end your relationship, but if you criticize again and again, it may end it."

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2. Suppose the worst case scenario is that when your partner comes home late and forgets to call, do you automatically think that she or he doesn't love you? Doreen Meister, a marriage and family therapist, said it was a sign of a disconnect that could ultimately mean failure. " The problem is that you don't know the truth; you're explaining the behavior, and you're going to respond non constructively to it, "Meister said. When your partner gets home, you may feel cold because you believe that person wronged you, but in fact, she or he may just be stuck in a traffic jam. You know what they say about assumptions; in this case, assumptions don't just make you look stupid - they can bring disaster to your relationship. Now listen carefully: why is America's obsession with "happiness" so stressful for us? Credit: Adobe stock

3. Discussions usually start in a negative way, often with general statements like "I don't like you're always late," which undoubtedly shows that your relationship is in danger. This criticism is a negative way of discussion, which will inevitably lead to controversy. " "When you start a tense conversation, if it starts negative, it almost always ends negative," said Kirk Honda, a professor of counseling and family therapy at the University of Antioch. Honda explained that in the first 30 seconds of the conversation, the outcome of many conflict couples can be predicted. The way people start a tense conversation can also predict the possibility of a lasting relationship. " If you look at the way they fight, if they start to be negative, it's a sign that the relationship will soon end. "

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4. Long term scorn is another of the four knights of marriage and relationship therapist Dr. John Gottman - a sign of a serious deterioration in your relationship. When lovers despise each other, they will not respect each other, laugh at each other, call each other's name, satirize each other, turn their eyes in the conflict. If this happens in your relationship, it's a big danger signal. Resentment is often at the root of contempt, says Kirk bender, a professor of counseling and family therapy. This is sometimes due to past injuries, such as infidelity, although there may be no definitive cause. " When I work with clients, it's interesting to see this kind of contempt emerge. It's just mad at another person. "It shows that the relationship will not last for long," Honda said. At the beginning of a relationship, you've stopped doing what you love. You're free to run in the morning, go out with men, or attend your favorite Tuesday night yoga class when you want to, but recently you've stopped doing these things to avoid your partner's complaints or jealousy. Doreen Meister, a marriage and family therapist, said the situation was due to potential power or control issues in the marriage relationship, which, if not controlled, could kill the bond between the two people. In a healthy relationship, both people live together and prosper together, "Meister said. "If you start to narrow down your life, you're not going to thrive and the relationship is not going to thrive," Meister said. You're always on the defensive, and the third of Dr. John Gottman's "four cavalry" defenses weakens effective communication and eventually leads to the end of your relationship. If you always feel that you have to defend yourself in a quarrel with your partner, or if your partner is always aggressive, even if you are not picky, you are dealing with defense. Kirk Honda, a professor of counseling and family therapy, explains the behavior. One is habit: "some people are just a habit that is defensive. They don't realize that they are defensive. "Another habit is not being able to deal with criticism," Honda said. "Some people are so sensitive to the nature of the rejection involved in criticism that they are hurt and react out of anger. In any case, defensiveness means trouble, and it could be the end of the road.

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7. Your quarrel is out of control. It's natural to have a conflict in any relationship. But when the quarrel starts to escalate rapidly and become dirty, including shouting, swearing and blaming, it's a good sign that your relationship is going to the end. In their book fight for marriage, the authors Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Bloomberg list marriage promotion as one of the four "dangerous signals" to predict the end of a relationship. Couples who are happy together and are likely to remain in this state are not as likely to escalate as those in danger, the authors write. If a healthy couple reallyAfter upgrading, they can control it quickly. If not, the fighting will continue to deteriorate until the relationship ends.

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8. You put up a wall, the fourth of Dr. John Gottman's "four knights" (a sign that your relationship may soon break up), which means that one partner exits the interaction and closes the relationship with another person. Kirk Honda, a professor of counseling and family therapy, calls it "hostile silence" because it often involves "silent therapy" or negative positive consent disagreements. "When a couple get together and fight for the first time, they don't usually start right away," Honda said. There will be a lot of fights in the future. And then, when you see it happening, it's usually a sign that the relationship ends quickly. "

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9. You don't remember why you fell in love, said Kirk Honda, a professor of consulting Science. When one or both sides don't remember why they fell in love for the first time, the relationship is in serious trouble. " It's a sign that too much negativity has been injected into the relationship so that it actually rewrites the story of their relationship. "Honda also pointed out that healthy couples can easily list the reasons for their love, even 30 or 40 years; but when a relationship is unstable, these reasons - such as" her smile "or" the way he makes me feel special "- are so far away from memory that they are forgotten. Without this basic foundation, relationships can collapse.

span credit: span digital vision / digital vision / Gatty image H3> are we doomed to fail?

if you have identified one or more of these signs in your relationship at this time, you may panic. But none of this is an automatic death penalty for your love life. " All relationships are in conflict, "Honda said. The decisive factor is how people deal with conflict, which can be changed. " Things get used to and we learn how to fight from our parents. If our parents don't play well, we won't play well. "But Honda said that if you really want to, you can save your relationship." However, to get your relationship back on track, it takes will, a lot of work and a lot of time. " "

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how to save your relationship, you and your partner need to relearn how to conflict, stop doing things that erode each other's love, said Kirk Honda, a professor of counseling and family therapy. It can be as simple as practicing mindfulness - paying attention to your behavior, or reacting and stopping. Honda says open communication in positive words is another step that couples can take. Even if you have lost love, you can still do some work. " When a couple comes into my office, they're at that moment, which doesn't mean they don't have a chance, it just means they have to give up and fall in love again by courting each other; it's absolutely possible, and it's really part of any relationship that's going on. "

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Honda said that when seeking help, many couples may only need to study how to improve the relationship, and then they can do the necessary work to save their relationship. However, sometimes the problem is too deep and the couple may need to help solve the problem to save the relationship. This is where a skilled marriage and family therapist can come in handy. Honda said he believes many couples will still be together today if they seek treatment early in the vicious cycle. " It's a small price to pay for a big benefit, "Honda said. If cost is a problem, many therapists will offer a floating percentage of the fee.

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What do you think? Is there any problem with your relationship? Do you recognize these signs in your relationship? What did you do to avoid a breakup or divorce, or what different things would you do in the future? Please share your thoughts below so that the entire livestrong.com community can benefit from your experience.

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